marathoner

I’ve been singing the same old tired song for nearly three years.  In fact, it will be EXACTLY three years on March 12 that I originally joined the site.  I’ve had my share of success and my share of failures during these past three years.   I joined this site weighing in at 223 lbs.  and find myself 20 lbs. lighter today.

I have hit high and low notes on this journey and today, I find myself as frustrated as I have ever been.

I am not giving up, it’s not like me to do so. 

I will continue to persevere and one day, I will win this battle.

In the meantime, I need to re-group and re-focus.  I need to do something different.  I need to work from the inside out.  I have tried everything you can think of….and I still find myself in the same place. 

This has been a long time coming….back in mid-January, my life was so shaken that I knew right then and there that some things needed to change….that I needed to change.  I have been dazed and confused ever since, KNOWING what I need and what I want, but feeling so lost and so overwhelmed that I simply don’t know HOW to go about it.

February wasn’t any better for me….and as most of you know, my life and the life of my family changed in an instant—a heart beat.

Life is too precious….and I need to start living it.  I need to make the BEST with what God has given me…this beautiful gift called life is far too valuable and too fragile to take for granted.

Buddies, I am taking yet another break from the site to re-group and re-focus.  I am veering off this road and I am embarking on a new journey—one of self-discovery.  I hope that when I come back, I will be a stronger and healthier person, one who can be of better service to all of you who have been generous with your support and with your friendship.

This isn’t good-bye, this is a short vacation from the site.  I will be very tempted to check in on a daily basis, but I know that right now, this is best for me.

Thank you for your kind words in the last three years, for your friendship and for your understanding.  Thank you for cheering me up and picking me up.  This is by far, the best online community I have ever been a part of!

Life would have it that so that sometimes, everything comes crashing down on us, but Mother Theresa reminded us that God only promises to give us that which He knows we can handle, so with that in mind, I get up and make the best attempt I can muster to dust myself up, get up and put a smile on my face.  I don’t always succeed, but I do give myself credit for trying.

I would like to thank everyone who commented on my last blog and those who sent messages of condolences, it really touched my heart and I sincerely hope everyone remembers to live each day as if it were our last.  Life is fragile and oftentimes, very brief.  Enjoy each day my friends!

I have been living in the Twilight zone for the last 2 weeks, so exercise and a healthy diet have had no place in my life.  I set out to exercise 21 days in February and I failed miserably.  I got the idea to grade myself from Anj and my grade was a D+ having completed only 12 workout sessions of a possible 21.  The good news is that I lost a total of 1.8 lbs. this past month.

Two months down, 10 more to go, 10 more opportunities to reach goal OR 44 more weeks to reach goal.

My goal(s) for the month of March are as follows:

• Lose 7 lbs.
• Exercise 24 days (earn 24 stickers)

Plain and simple!

I am back and reporting for duty!

I am turning this baby around in March!

It is with great sadness that I write this blog.  Last night, my nephew and his little sister were involved in a car accident which took his life.  My niece is hospitalized.  He was only 17 years old and would have graduated from H.S. in about 3 months, his life tragically cut short.

I know God has a plan, but during these times it is almost impossible to fanthom what plan could He possibly have by calling this child away so soon—only He knows.

This is the second loss of one of the babies in our family in the last three years, the shock of losing my little cousin under similar circumstances three years ago has not worn off even as we visit his grave.  Both tragedies incomprehensible!

I am not writing this blog for sympathy because as you all know NOTHING anyone says can lessen the pain of losing a loved one, specially under these circumstances and at such a young age. 

I am writing this blog to remind you that today is the ONLY day which truly matters.  I am sure my nephew, his sister and his parents didn’t think 24 hours ago, that his life would be coming to an end.  Hug your children today because trust me, this morning when my DS was getting ready to go to school it occurred to me that his grades, his unmade bed or his lack of responsibility are a BLESSING at every moment.   Nothing is of any significance when we are faced with the reality that we are all on borrowed time.  Nothing matters when we are faced with the reality that tomorrow may never come.  So hug your children and live today the way God intended—as if today, was your last day on Earth.

I know we often times hear people say “live today like it’s your last,” and we tell ourselves this from time to time.

Maybe, just maybe it takes sacrificing the life of one so young for God to remind us that yes, TODAY is the ONLY day that truly matters!

I had a fun-filled day with DH, DS and friends.  We started our day by ice-skating for 45 minutes, followed by cleaning the house and then going out for Indian food.  We ended our day by walking around DT for approximately 3 hours.  By the time it was all said and done, my feet hurt and my legs felt sore, but I didn’t have a conventional workout at the gym.  So my question is…DID I or DID I NOT earn my exercise star for the day?

I don’t feel as if I got a workout but I “exercised” for about 3-1/2 hours, give or take little breaks here and there.  I am leaning towards NOT counting yesterday’s activities as part of a workout, but I am not sure! Indecision is the root of all evil!

Anyway, I re-read yesterday’s blog—what in the world got to me?  It was crazy!! Crazy woman in the house!  Seriously, I know I have been doing some serious self-sabotaging, but for a minute there, I lost my mind.  The idea is to develop life-long healthy habits, no matter how long it takes.  Yes, I want to reach my goal this year, but reading my blog I realize, I need to CHILAX!

I have to catch up on some blogs which I will do later today!  Buddies, have a great week!

What I am about to say is not for the faint of heart: 

I am disgusted with myself.

I have been seriously sabotaging myself lately, more so than usual.  What I have been doing is not even sabotage, but rather something darker and more sinister—I have been purposely binging.  I gorge large amounts of unhealthy foods for no other reason than I WANT to; not because I am hungry, not because I am sad, not because of any legitimate reason.

It doesn’t matter that I go to the gym and workout like a bandit, if I eat more than my share of food for the entire week, in one sitting.  It is shameful and it is disgusting.

Every night I tell myself, “this is the last time I do this,” and with this, I give myself permission to eat, eat and eat some more.  It’s called the “last meal syndrome.” 

I am sick and tired of wanting and trying to lose the same 21 lbs.  It’s been FOUR months and I am ALMOST back to where I was when I first started.  It’s been THREE years and I am no where near close to where I need and want to be!Sure my clothes are smaller because I am exercising but seriously, I am not making real progress. 

I am out of excuses. 

Here’s the bottom line, the ONLY way I can reach my goal(s) is to put in the work, that means following the healthy guidelines and not just shooting for once per month, but EVERY SINGLE DAY!  That means no more night time binging, no more mindless eating, NO MORE EXCUSES.

Buddies, I don’t know about you, but I am tired of telling the same old story over and over again!  I am tired of the ups and downs and ups again!  As cliche as it sounds, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I just want to move on with my life and I don’t want this weight to keep dragging me down.  If I am going to be sad and depressed, I want it to be for more reasons than the size of my pants and the number on the scale!  If I am going to be ashamed of myself, I don’t want it to be because I am fat but because I have done or said something shameful….in other words, I don’t want to feel bad about myself for something as superficial as my weight!

I am rolling up my sleeves and getting to work and I need to start seeing some real results!

Yesterday I set out to have my first 100% day since Thanksgiving and I failed miserably. 

It’s a good thing that I am shooting for at least ONE day this month and I still have 16 more opportunities left!  Speaking of opportunities,  we have 46 weeks left to meet our goals for 2009.  I pulled my handy-dandy calculator and for me, it means losing 1.6 lbs. per week for the next 46 weeks to reach goal, so I have to start getting those 100% days in…the more of them I have, the better chances I have at reaching my goal(s).

Good news before I continue—I lost ONE pound this week.  I will take it, thank-you-very-much!!

So yesterday I set out to have my first 100% day and I had everything going for me: I had the umph, the motivation I need to carry me through the day.  I had all the fruits and veggies in the house, the stars were lined up…the only thing I didn’t have, was a PLAN.  I figured I would device a plan as the day went on, except you know, LIFE HAPPENS and without a plan, LIFE HAPPENS too quickly to react appropriately!

I drove one of my son’s schoolmate’s home for the first time yesterday.  Obviously his mom wanted to meet me and so I went to this boy’s house.  Lovely family, a lot of fun—so much fun in fact, that I spent close to 3 hours “meeting” them.  Long story short, by the time I left their home, I was starving!  I didn’t want to drive home because I was afraid that if I did, the comfort of being at home would keep me from going to the gym, so I did the next best thing, I grabbed some fast food.  Of course, I have been craving Church’s chicken for awhile and since we’re trying NOT to eat out, I figured this was my only opportunity—and now you know what happened.  I didn’t go crazy overboard…only had one piece of chicken, but I did wash it down with Pepsi, which I normally don’t drink.  Ahhhhhhhh, it doesn’t end there…you see, I went to the gym immediately after having this greasy, yet delicious meal.

I had ABSOLUTELY no energy, so I did my scheduled workout at a lower intensity.  Normally, I burn 950 calories per hour on the Arc Trainer, but yesterday’s number was 830.  I knew I had to undo at least SOME of the damage I did at lunch, so I did an additional 20 minutes, burning a total of 1,050 calories in 80 minutes.  Don’t clap and don’t pat me on the back, I didn’t do my scheduled abs workout—which is ok because I will do it today.

Here’s the moral of the story—PLAN, PLAN, PLAN!!

We can’t leave anything to chance.  Looking back, I can think of a million and one ways in which my day could’ve turned out better, but sadly, my 100% day was not to be.  I still have 16 more opportunities!

My personal challenge for the day is to eat all my servings of fruits and veggies!

Today was a beautiful sunny day here in BC, a rarity in these parts of the world, I have come to find out.  The sun provides essential vitamins, so whenever it makes an appearance here, I try to take some rays in!  I called my buddy and asked her to join me on an adventure to the beach, to eat some ice cream—off we went!

The ice-cream turned out to be low-fat frozen yogurt with fruits—the only thing that killed it, was the waffle cone! 

Anyway, we headed to the beach and found an injured seagull.  So what did we do?  We rescued it and drove all over town looking for a place which specializes in treating wild life.  We finally found a place but it was closed, so my buddy kept the bird in her home overnight. 

Heroic?  HARDLY!

The heroic part is in the second part of my story.

In an effort to find someone who could treat this poor, injured bird, we drove all over town, we called two local SPCA shelters and before I knew it, it was late.  DS and I were STARVING and it occurred to me that I should stop to get some food.  I was thinking A&W and I was thinking THE WORKS!  BUT…..I told DH we should eat at home because eating out takes a HUGE chunk of our money and with only one of us employed, it’s best we refrain and save the restaurants for the times we have visitors.  I decided instead to drive straight home and heat up the spagetti and meatballs I had prepared for lunch.  Heroic?  No, not yet.

I was so tired from driving around and trying to figure out what to do, that once I got home, I put on my PJ’s, determined to go to bed after dinner.  I figured I would MAKE-UP my missed workout session by adding 20 minutes to the 60 minutes I do on my workout days.  I figured I would send an e-mail to my girl Anj explaining my intentions….but you see, this nagging voice inside me kept telling me that what I was doing was WRONG!  I tried to ignore it, I mean, I already had my PJs on! 

As I sat infront of the computer getting ready to send an e-mail to Anj, it occurred to me…tomorrow we are attending a Winter Event and it’s an all day event….I MAY have to miss a workout….I couldn’t POSSIBLY miss two workouts back to back, right?  Ok…so I sat here….pondering….I started to upload some pictures I took today when I ran accross my before pictures from the other day and BOY OH BOY—before I knew it, I was changing into my workout clothes and told my boys, I’ll be back by 11:30!! 

I worked my butt off at the gym and did my abs workout! I kicked butt—I felt like the hero in my own story!!

So today, instead of a little sticker, I EARNED a big sticker—why?

Because today, it took EVERYTHING in me to do the right thing!!

I feel so good that I got my workout in…and tomorrow I plan on cutting the Winter Event short, so I can do my workout.  PRIORITIES people, PRIORITIES!!

Anj—are you proud of me?  4 down, 17 more to go!!

Good news:  I’ve completed the first 3 workout sessions of the week, today is my rest day and my next 3 sessions will be on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Anj:  I have three stickers for the month of February, my goal is to collect 21 stickers this month!

Bad news:  I have officially gained back 11 lbs.

I have been on this roller coaster of weight-loss and weight issues since I was 11 years old.  In the three years I have been on this site, I have been in ONEDERLAND twice and both times I have said that I will never get back to 200 lbs.  BOTH times I have failed.  This morning I got on the scale and it read 205 lbs., I updated my ticker.  I wasn’t disappointed as much as I was mad, at myself mostly, for letting this happen. 

Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I decided right here and right now that I will not travel the road of weight-gain again!  I refuse to be the one to drive myself back up the scale.  I refuse to not take charge of the wheel.  The bottom line is that I have gained weight and that I am no longer in Onederland.  I have been trying for the past 3 years to lose 10% of my weight and I have not been successful.  I have postponed massages and facials, buying cute clothes, ALL because I am holding the carrot on the stick in hopes that these things will motivate me.  Well guess what?  They haven’t and in the meantime, I have deprived myself of things I not only need, but deserve.

I have mustered strength again, (from God only knows where) and have reset my goals.  We have 47 weeks to reach our yearly goals and for me, it means I MUST lose 1.6 lbs. per week to get where I need and want to be.  Against my better judgement, I have set April 9th as the date I reach my mini-goal of 189 lbs. and I will see to it that I accomplish this goal once and for all.  In the meantime, I will TAKE CARE OF MYSELF and LOVE myself regardless of what the scale says.  This means that I am not going to wait until the scale reaches 189 lbs. for me to have a much needed facial.  Yes, I understand rewards are important, but obviously these things are not enough to motivate me to do the best I can for myself.

Today is my rest day, so I must be even more diligent in tracking my food and staying within my caloric range!

For those who were wondering what it was going to take for me to wake-up and grab the wheel with both hands again, the answer is simple…I don’t have a choice.  If I am going to live a healthy life, an active life, I must like my friend Kristi says, “MAN UP” and do the damn thing!  I deserve better than this!  You do too!

Why am I so chipper today?  Because I am getting ready to go and do a killer 60 minutes of cardio and some ab work! I am very excited about working out, so much so that I am writing this blog from the Y.

Today started on the wrong foot.  I have been fighting with my 12 y.o. all morning long—he is just so irresponsible!  I know he is only 12, but he has no concept of responsibility and it drives me mad.  I think what bothers me more than anything, are the stupid little lies and ommissions, specially since I’ve taught him that the worse crime he can commit in my eyes is LYING!   I am so frustrated with him and if I could afford it, I would send him to military school.   He is a good boy, well-manered and loving so I am not dealing with a trouble maker, but when it comes to his school work and his house chores (which are minor, mind you), he just doesn’t get it!  Ok…this is my frustration talking, but I feel that I am reaching the end of my rope!  MUMS—any and all suggestions are greatly appreciated!

On another note, I want to make a clarification about yesterday’s blog!  It was brought to my attention that Nancy’s blogs stay at the top and honestly, I thought that this was because she reads and comments on most everyone’s blogs AND that people were showing her the same support that she gives back.  It never occurred to me that her settings were off, that being said, I was not referring to Nancy in my blog.  In fact, I wasn’t referring to any particular person.  I know this was bothering some of the old-timers and some of the newbies.  I also know that the last two people who left the site and threw temper tantrums on the site, left for the same reason, so my angle was one of keeping things fair and asking people that even though WE CAN, we shouldn’t manipulate the site.  I know we all love Nancy and I would be the last person to point the finger at her, so please know that I was not referring to her and that my plea was a GENERAL plea.  Capiche? 

Good!  I’m off to release my mother-child frustrations on the ski machine for the next 60 minutes!!

For those of you who read my morning blog, you know that I am on a mission this week to get back on the exercise horse.  I am happy to share that I completed my first 60 minutes!  I feel so much better–mentally, emotionally and physically. 

Mentally—I feel more alert.

Emotionally—the endorphins are doing their magic and I feel that I can do ANYTHING!

Physically—the hovering headache I’ve had for a week has calmed down a bit.

I know that it will take about a month, if not a little longer for me to feel just as good as I felt before I fell off the wagon back in November!  Yes, let’s be honest….all Hell broke lose after Thanksgiving!  Let this serve as a lesson to me and everyone on the site—YES, one day and one day only can be your undoing, so when we chose to indulge, we must do so with caution.  I am not saying that if you fall off the wagon one day you’re doomed, what I am saying is that you have to be mentally prepared to have that one day and let it be only ONE!  I have a feeling I am not making myself clear….somehow, it makes sense in my head! LOL!

On an unrelated subject—

Jenn wrote a blog about people who change the settings on their blogs so that their blogs can stay at the top.  I had noticed this awhile back and although it bothered me, it didn’t bother me enough to bring it up, HOWEVER, I did delete from my buddy list someone who was notorious for doing this.  Buddies, let’s be fair to one another.  If you read my blogs or not makes no difference to me, I have been on this site long enough to know that buddies come and go and that some days I need more support than others and that other days, I can give back more than my share of support and other times, well, it’s damn near impossible.  I know a lot of people have felt jaded and have lashed out on their blogs, coicidenlty these people have left the site.  I have brought up this issue to Dr. Marc and I will continue to make an issue of it until it stops.  The behavior is right out childish and immature.  If you are one of those buddies who is engaging in that behavior, please stop.  It is not necessary.  How often have we said that you get back what you put it?  Well then, stand by that knowledge and STOP manipulating the site, plain and simple.  It is right out unfair to everyone else!

Please don’t send me your hate comments because I am not trying to start any trouble. I am simply trying to maintain our site clean and clear of manipulation so we can get back to the  reason why we joined this site—for support. 

Ok, I’m off my soap box now!

Buddies, have a fantabulous day!