marathoner

Life would have it that so that sometimes, everything comes crashing down on us, but Mother Theresa reminded us that God only promises to give us that which He knows we can handle, so with that in mind, I get up and make the best attempt I can muster to dust myself up, get up and put a smile on my face.  I don’t always succeed, but I do give myself credit for trying.

I would like to thank everyone who commented on my last blog and those who sent messages of condolences, it really touched my heart and I sincerely hope everyone remembers to live each day as if it were our last.  Life is fragile and oftentimes, very brief.  Enjoy each day my friends!

I have been living in the Twilight zone for the last 2 weeks, so exercise and a healthy diet have had no place in my life.  I set out to exercise 21 days in February and I failed miserably.  I got the idea to grade myself from Anj and my grade was a D+ having completed only 12 workout sessions of a possible 21.  The good news is that I lost a total of 1.8 lbs. this past month.

Two months down, 10 more to go, 10 more opportunities to reach goal OR 44 more weeks to reach goal.

My goal(s) for the month of March are as follows:

• Lose 7 lbs.
• Exercise 24 days (earn 24 stickers)

Plain and simple!

I am back and reporting for duty!

I am turning this baby around in March!

I had a fun-filled day with DH, DS and friends.  We started our day by ice-skating for 45 minutes, followed by cleaning the house and then going out for Indian food.  We ended our day by walking around DT for approximately 3 hours.  By the time it was all said and done, my feet hurt and my legs felt sore, but I didn’t have a conventional workout at the gym.  So my question is…DID I or DID I NOT earn my exercise star for the day?

I don’t feel as if I got a workout but I “exercised” for about 3-1/2 hours, give or take little breaks here and there.  I am leaning towards NOT counting yesterday’s activities as part of a workout, but I am not sure! Indecision is the root of all evil!

Anyway, I re-read yesterday’s blog—what in the world got to me?  It was crazy!! Crazy woman in the house!  Seriously, I know I have been doing some serious self-sabotaging, but for a minute there, I lost my mind.  The idea is to develop life-long healthy habits, no matter how long it takes.  Yes, I want to reach my goal this year, but reading my blog I realize, I need to CHILAX!

I have to catch up on some blogs which I will do later today!  Buddies, have a great week!

What I am about to say is not for the faint of heart: 

I am disgusted with myself.

I have been seriously sabotaging myself lately, more so than usual.  What I have been doing is not even sabotage, but rather something darker and more sinister—I have been purposely binging.  I gorge large amounts of unhealthy foods for no other reason than I WANT to; not because I am hungry, not because I am sad, not because of any legitimate reason.

It doesn’t matter that I go to the gym and workout like a bandit, if I eat more than my share of food for the entire week, in one sitting.  It is shameful and it is disgusting.

Every night I tell myself, “this is the last time I do this,” and with this, I give myself permission to eat, eat and eat some more.  It’s called the “last meal syndrome.” 

I am sick and tired of wanting and trying to lose the same 21 lbs.  It’s been FOUR months and I am ALMOST back to where I was when I first started.  It’s been THREE years and I am no where near close to where I need and want to be!Sure my clothes are smaller because I am exercising but seriously, I am not making real progress. 

I am out of excuses. 

Here’s the bottom line, the ONLY way I can reach my goal(s) is to put in the work, that means following the healthy guidelines and not just shooting for once per month, but EVERY SINGLE DAY!  That means no more night time binging, no more mindless eating, NO MORE EXCUSES.

Buddies, I don’t know about you, but I am tired of telling the same old story over and over again!  I am tired of the ups and downs and ups again!  As cliche as it sounds, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I just want to move on with my life and I don’t want this weight to keep dragging me down.  If I am going to be sad and depressed, I want it to be for more reasons than the size of my pants and the number on the scale!  If I am going to be ashamed of myself, I don’t want it to be because I am fat but because I have done or said something shameful….in other words, I don’t want to feel bad about myself for something as superficial as my weight!

I am rolling up my sleeves and getting to work and I need to start seeing some real results!

Yesterday I set out to have my first 100% day since Thanksgiving and I failed miserably. 

It’s a good thing that I am shooting for at least ONE day this month and I still have 16 more opportunities left!  Speaking of opportunities,  we have 46 weeks left to meet our goals for 2009.  I pulled my handy-dandy calculator and for me, it means losing 1.6 lbs. per week for the next 46 weeks to reach goal, so I have to start getting those 100% days in…the more of them I have, the better chances I have at reaching my goal(s).

Good news before I continue—I lost ONE pound this week.  I will take it, thank-you-very-much!!

So yesterday I set out to have my first 100% day and I had everything going for me: I had the umph, the motivation I need to carry me through the day.  I had all the fruits and veggies in the house, the stars were lined up…the only thing I didn’t have, was a PLAN.  I figured I would device a plan as the day went on, except you know, LIFE HAPPENS and without a plan, LIFE HAPPENS too quickly to react appropriately!

I drove one of my son’s schoolmate’s home for the first time yesterday.  Obviously his mom wanted to meet me and so I went to this boy’s house.  Lovely family, a lot of fun—so much fun in fact, that I spent close to 3 hours “meeting” them.  Long story short, by the time I left their home, I was starving!  I didn’t want to drive home because I was afraid that if I did, the comfort of being at home would keep me from going to the gym, so I did the next best thing, I grabbed some fast food.  Of course, I have been craving Church’s chicken for awhile and since we’re trying NOT to eat out, I figured this was my only opportunity—and now you know what happened.  I didn’t go crazy overboard…only had one piece of chicken, but I did wash it down with Pepsi, which I normally don’t drink.  Ahhhhhhhh, it doesn’t end there…you see, I went to the gym immediately after having this greasy, yet delicious meal.

I had ABSOLUTELY no energy, so I did my scheduled workout at a lower intensity.  Normally, I burn 950 calories per hour on the Arc Trainer, but yesterday’s number was 830.  I knew I had to undo at least SOME of the damage I did at lunch, so I did an additional 20 minutes, burning a total of 1,050 calories in 80 minutes.  Don’t clap and don’t pat me on the back, I didn’t do my scheduled abs workout—which is ok because I will do it today.

Here’s the moral of the story—PLAN, PLAN, PLAN!!

We can’t leave anything to chance.  Looking back, I can think of a million and one ways in which my day could’ve turned out better, but sadly, my 100% day was not to be.  I still have 16 more opportunities!

My personal challenge for the day is to eat all my servings of fruits and veggies!

The photo above is a sneak preview of my calendar for the month of February.  So far, I have earned 7 stickers, my goal for the month is 21.   I EARN a sticker for every 60 minutes of exercise I complete and although the idea is simple and the stickers have no monetary value (I got about 300 of them at the dollar store), they have huge motivational value.  Who knew something so simple would be so motivating?   I got the idea from my buddy Anj who atually got the idea from another buddy—so there you go, if there’s any doubt as to the support of the site, the proof is in the picture—the help and support comes full circle.

Now let me explain for a minute what everything on my calendar means:  Thursdays are my weigh-ins, as you can see, last Thursday’s weight was 205.1.  The check marks on my calendar are scheduled workouts which get covered by the stickers once I complete them.  I have two kinds of stickers so far, the round ones are for regular 60 minute workouts, the oval and slightly bigger ones, are for those days, when I had to work extra hard just to get out the door!  We all have those days!

It’s so easy to exercise and eat healthy when we are motivated, but when we’re not, it’s a real struggle and when we DO despite not wanting to, well that’s called a VICTORY!

Victories should be celebrated and honored for what they are—overcoming a legitimate struggle.  With that in mind, I would like to give a big shout-out to our wonderful buddy Anj/Harleygirl for getting up early to exercise today.  The reason why it was specially significant that she got up to exercise today is because she didn’t HAVE TO!  You see, Anj’s daughter wasn’t supposed to be up at her normal time today, which meant that Anj could’ve slept in.  She chose NOT TO and I know it must have been hard for her to choose between a welcoming warm bed, to a cold and ruthless treadmill!  So kudos to our girl and if I could give her a sticker through cyberspace, I would make it a big one! 

Finally the last part of my blog, a Personal Challenge. 

Now that I am feeling confident about my workouts, I want to concentrate on doing the other things that are conductive to weight-loss, like tracking calories, eating fruits and veggies, etc., etc.  I haven’t had a 100% day since Thanksgiving and I am going to shoot for one today…if I do it, great, if not, it’s ok.  My goal is to do as many 100% days as possible (within reason) and keep building momentum from there!  No pressure though, I have to remind myself that this is a lifelong journey, so there’s no hurry!!

Buddies, have a fantabulous day!

Who knew that tiny little stickers from the dollar store would get me to peel myself off the computer chair and motivate me to go to the gym?  Who knew that I would be anxious about missing ONE workout because it would mean losing one sticker and not reaching my goal of 21 stickers for the month?  WHO KNEW?  Well, Anj did!

I have been scratching my head, trying to figure out WHY I have not been able to get back on track since I veered off during the Holidays.  I understand Dawnie…we want it, we know what we need to do to get it, and yet, something holds us back.  Obviously that something is ourselves, but why? 

Who knows?  The answer will probably come to me later OR not at all, right now I’m not caring very much because ALL I care about right now is getting my 21 stickers!  Thank you Anj.

This weekend I caught a cold/flu bug and decided to skip the gym yesterday.  This means that this week is going to be a long workout week—instead of 3 workouts in a row with a rest day in between the next set of three, I am going to exercise for 4 consecutive days before I take a rest day.  Buddies, I need you to pull forces with me and push my butt to make it through the week.  My hope is that this cold/flu bug doesn’t kick my butt to the point of knocking me out…so keep your fingers crossed as you remind me that I have to meet my goal for the week.  PLEASE!! 

Anj asked me why I couldn’t exercise while I have company—here’s the deal—usually when company is over we do the tour guide bit….we leave as early as possible and we stay up late.  I hardly get any sleep when we have company, so getting up earlier than my guests is not really an option for me.  HOWEVER, I have been thinking and thinking and thinking some more and I will do everything in my power to go for a short run while my guests are still sleeping.  I absolutely HAVE TO do it—if the scale isn’t moving any closer to my goal weight, I want to feel I accomplished something big this month….and I know that once I earn my 21 stickers, I will feel empowered.  I know it sounds silly, but Anj can attest to the power of the stickers….I know, I feel silly even writing it, but it’s true.  If anyone wants to give it a try…I highly recommend it!

Wishing everyone a great week!

Tanae—-welcome back! Let’s get this done once and for all, shall we?

Buddies, the ONE and most COMPELLING reason to STAY on the wagon, to be consistent in eating healthy and exercising regularly is one simple fact:  It’s so difficult to get back on that horse!  It can be done, but why should we put ourselves to through the disappointment, the heartache of having to “start over” again?  It makes no sense.  If we are CONSISTENT, we save ourselves from the emotional roller coaster that is weight-loss.

And there, that’s one more thing I’ve learned (the hard way) on this road.

Now let me share the story of the beautiful pink Ann Klein sweater which has been sitting in my closet for almost 3 years.  The reason it sat there lonely was because it didn’t fit.  I love this sweater so much, I didn’t have the heart to donate it when we moved.  I kept it in hopes that ONE DAY I could wear it again.  This past Christmas when my parents were visiting, I tried the pink sweater and to my surprise, it fit perfectly! 

Since my 11 lbs. weight-gain, the COMFORTING thing I have been telling myself is, “my clothes still fit.”  The reason why this is comforting to me is because even though I have gained 11 lbs., I am still wearing my size 14 jeans, the new stuff I bought over the Holidays because my 16s were simply too baggy on me.  So, back to the pink sweater—I decided to wear it yesterday!

Unlike my jeans, the sweater didn’t lie, it fit snuggly and not as perfectly as it did back in December.  Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I decided to just continue to put one foot infront of the other by eating healthier and exercising more, EVENTUALLY, I told myself, the weight will come off.  Here’s where it gets tricky…even though I told myself these things, deep, deep inside of me, in a dark place was the nagging little voice—HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?  Negativity slowly but surely started to seep in.

BUT ALAS, something wonderful happened.  As I was doing my hair in my panties and bra, I noticed something in the mirror….I noticed DIMPLES on my belly!! No, not cottage cheese dimples, but the OUTLINES of what appear to be shaply abs!  I shared with Anj this morning that the encasing of a six pack is starting to show.  I must have looked at myself in the mirror 100 times yesterday!!  As soon as hubby got home from work, I bared my abs and showed him—it wasn’t in my head—he saw it too!  In fact, he saw it TWICE, I just wanted to make sure that is wasn’t in his head either!

So what do you think happened to me yesterday?

Did I walk around crestfallen because I gained back 11 lbs?  Did I berate myself for letting this happen?  Did I drown my sorrows in a gallon of ice-cream?  (Ok, don’t answer the last one please—it wasn’t a gallon, but it was something alright)! 

No buddies, I walked with my head held high, with a pep in my step.  I ENJOYED my day off from exercise BUT I spent all day looking forward to today’s workout and ABS section.  I focused on the POSITIVE, sure it was easy because I can see the light at the end of the abs tunnel, but I could have CHOSEN to concentrate on my pink TOO SNUGGLY sweater! 

In conclusion, this is what I’ve learned from gaining back 11 lbs.

• Hold on to that horse with all your might, because getting back on is HARD, in other words, CONSISTENCY!!
• Choose to FOCUS on the POSITIVE.
• And of course my personal favorite:  NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

In my attempt to learn to TOLERATE veggies, I have decided to try new things.  Today I tried brussel sprouts and the veredict is in—I hate them! GROSS!

Good news:  I’ve completed the first 3 workout sessions of the week, today is my rest day and my next 3 sessions will be on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Anj:  I have three stickers for the month of February, my goal is to collect 21 stickers this month!

Bad news:  I have officially gained back 11 lbs.

I have been on this roller coaster of weight-loss and weight issues since I was 11 years old.  In the three years I have been on this site, I have been in ONEDERLAND twice and both times I have said that I will never get back to 200 lbs.  BOTH times I have failed.  This morning I got on the scale and it read 205 lbs., I updated my ticker.  I wasn’t disappointed as much as I was mad, at myself mostly, for letting this happen. 

Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I decided right here and right now that I will not travel the road of weight-gain again!  I refuse to be the one to drive myself back up the scale.  I refuse to not take charge of the wheel.  The bottom line is that I have gained weight and that I am no longer in Onederland.  I have been trying for the past 3 years to lose 10% of my weight and I have not been successful.  I have postponed massages and facials, buying cute clothes, ALL because I am holding the carrot on the stick in hopes that these things will motivate me.  Well guess what?  They haven’t and in the meantime, I have deprived myself of things I not only need, but deserve.

I have mustered strength again, (from God only knows where) and have reset my goals.  We have 47 weeks to reach our yearly goals and for me, it means I MUST lose 1.6 lbs. per week to get where I need and want to be.  Against my better judgement, I have set April 9th as the date I reach my mini-goal of 189 lbs. and I will see to it that I accomplish this goal once and for all.  In the meantime, I will TAKE CARE OF MYSELF and LOVE myself regardless of what the scale says.  This means that I am not going to wait until the scale reaches 189 lbs. for me to have a much needed facial.  Yes, I understand rewards are important, but obviously these things are not enough to motivate me to do the best I can for myself.

Today is my rest day, so I must be even more diligent in tracking my food and staying within my caloric range!

For those who were wondering what it was going to take for me to wake-up and grab the wheel with both hands again, the answer is simple…I don’t have a choice.  If I am going to live a healthy life, an active life, I must like my friend Kristi says, “MAN UP” and do the damn thing!  I deserve better than this!  You do too!

So as I struggle to get back on plan, something keeps tugging at my sleeve, something keeps nagging me and it occurred to me this morning:  EXERCISE.  My body needs and craves movement and so does my soul.

As I was struggling to get some quality sleep it dawned on me…even though my clothes still fit, I feel bloated and gross.  I feel as if my belly has grown and my movements are awkward.  I have also been suffering from headaches on a daily basis again, something that had stopped when I was exercising regularly.  These days, I toss and turn all night long and I struggle to get a restful good night’s sleep.

Yesterday I sat here confused, disheartened and hopeless.  I sat here frustrated and pained, but it occurred to me…..EXERCISE has been my salvation every time.  Unlike many people, I actually LOVE to exercise, as long as I don’t fall off the wagon like I have done in recent months.  Back in October when I restarted this journey, I started with exercise ONLY.  From Septermber to October, I exercised regularly and didn’t lose an ounce, but my body changed and all of a sudden, in one month, I lost 14 lbs. (thanks for reminding me Nancy).

Yesterday I got annoyed with myself because it has taken me almost 3 years to lose 10% of my body weight—3 long years buddies!!

All these things are nagging reminders that I need to exercise….it’s utterly ridiculous.  So I have found strength from where I thought there was none and I am on a mission to reach my 10% goal once and for all!  I need to finish Phase 1 of this weight-loss already! Enough is enough!

So with that in mind, my goal for the week is to EXERCISE. 

• Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
• Thursday is my rest day
• Friday, Saturday & Sunday

My goal is to complete 60 minutes each day. 

I will still do my best to cross off things from my daily TO DO list, but my focus right now, is to get back to regular exercise!  NO MORE EXCUSES.   NO MORE HIDING MY HEAD IN THE SAND.  NO MORE WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY!! 

I am on fire baby!